December 16th was my 30th birthday, and to many this year comes with a sense of dread and disgust. Nothing like hitting another decade and dreading the coming age lines, continued stretch marks and the duldrum days of work, eat, play with child/ren, sleep, start cycle all over again........BUT, that is not me.
I'm one of those people who really look forward to their birthday (and no, it is not just because it falls 9 days before Christmas so I get presents back to back either) No, it's because a decade ago I wasn't sure that I was ever going to see another day, let alone another birthday.
For those of you out there that have been as close to death as I was, you may feel the same. For those of you that have never been there, I wouldn't wish it on anyone under any circumstances.
I cannot even being to explain what it is like being wheeled down the hallway for a surgery that you are not quite sure of that you will wake from. I was 20 then and living my life to the fullest only to have it come crashing to a halt because of one tiny organ in my body. Curse you gallbadder!! After 5 days of vomiting till there was not a single thing left in my body, even bile, I was contemplating dying anyways. Multiple doctors fighting over what was wrong with me after collapsing at my good friend's house, hyperventillating in pain; it's imbeded in my brain.
There is nothing like that sensation where you know that if a surgeon doesnt cut you open now; its game over.
Once you come out the other side, your view on life is skewed. You don't see things the same as others and even though you may occasionally get overwhelmed with the drama that is life when you remember death being that close to you that you swear you could feel the life leaving your body, it brings you back to reality AND quick!
This is why I celebrate my birth-day and all the years that I have fought to stay alive. This is also why I am fighting to get back on track and get my body healthy again. It was so easy being home during my one year maternity leave to lose all the baby weight, exercise regularly, eat smaller portioned meals more frequently. Heading back to work was one of the worst decisions of my life for my health and I am still working on finding balance between my job, my amazing daughter, my supportive boyfriend and family and my need for my own life and friends. I know I can do it though; I have before and am all ready down 2 dress sizes and 10 pounds lost. I'm on the road to my health and happiness and wont let anything stop me!!
Celebrate your life everyday, no matter what hardships come your way and no matter what curves in the road or in your body you may find. I am there with you!